Shrimp Flavored Cup of Noodles...the Worst Thing Ever

I tried to eat a shrimp flavored cup of noodles on Saturday...right away, I knew it wasn't going to happen.  The dried ingredients smelled like dirty books, and then...wait...could it be?  Yes, those are REAL dehydrated shrimp inside, replete with massive poop veins.  If you like the shrimp flavor, you are the antithesis of awesome.  Eat it with a hood on to hide your face from God.

For a heartier meal, add milk instead of water and then microwave for a quick and easy shrimp bisque.

Matthias Steiner, Big Time Awesome

Awesome.  Matthias Steiner competes for Germany as an Olympic weightlifter and won the gold medal in the super heavyweight category at the Beijing Olympics.  But he wasn't supposed to win, and until the very last lift of the night, it didn't look like he would.  

At the beginning of 2008, the favorite to win the super heavyweight category was Iran's super strong, and immensely fat, Hossein Rezazadeh, but Hossein Rezazadeh was forced to retire by his physician (read: gynecologist) citing hand injuries and high blood pressure.  High blood pressure?...Unequivocally, not awesome.  This left the super heavyweight division wide open.  

Hossein Rezazadeh

For the Win

Steiner, who lost his wife in a car accident in 2007, was considered to be a contender for a medal, but with the recent loss of his wife, and the fact he has diabetes, it didn't seem like that medal would be a gold one.  At the end of the snatch portion of the tournament, Steiner was in fourth place after missing his last snatch.  It didn't appear he would even get the bronze.  The lifters begin the clean and jerk.  Steiner misses his first two attempts.  You only get three attempts, and if you miss all three, then you are disqualified.  Things are not looking awesome for Steiner.  

Meanwhile the other competitors keep setting the weight higher and completing their lifts.  It comes down to Steiner, in his last lift, which is also the last lift of the super heavyweight category.  In order to medal, he needs to increase the weight on the bar, beyond the amount that he previously missed.  Weightlifters generally increase amounts between 2kg, 4kg, or 6kg.  He increases the weight by 10 kg.  If he completes the lift, he wins the gold, but he hadn't completed a clean and jerk yet that night, and the weight on the bar was well beyond his personal best.  

He does it, and he wins.  When he receives his gold medal, he carries a picture of his late wife with him onto the platform.  

The Middle East...Not Awesome...White Gold Mercedes...Awesome

Don't invest your oil money in technology, medical research or education, buy a white gold Mercedes instead.  Party.

Drake...Canadian Born "Degrassi" Star...Awesome

Julie recently blew my mind by explaining: (1) not only was Drake born in Toronto, but (2) he was also the wheelchair kid on Degrassi: The Next Generation.  This makes me...more hood than Drake.

Meth Face...It's Hilarious

Google meth face, let the adventure begin.

Amy Winehouse...O.G. Meth Face

Mariusz Pudzianowski...Born with Three Helpings of Awesome

This is 5 time world's strongest man, Mariusz Pudzianowski, in his MMA debut. He also came in second on Poland's "Dancing with the Stars."

UFC 109...What a Joke

For the first time in my life, I purchased a pay-per-view UFC tournament, and what a pile of crap it was.  I wanted to see the Coleman & Couture fight.  Dubbed, "The Geezers at Caesar's" even though it was held at the Mandalay Bay.  How was it?  It was sad...really, really sad.

Coleman v Couture

After Round 1 was a one sided beating delivered by Couture, Coleman looked like he needed hospice care.  Mercifully, he was choked out in round 2 after Couture grew tired of punching him in the face.  After getting savagely beaten and then choked unconscious, Coleman treated the crowd to an exchange with Tito Ortiz, who had been heckling him ringside, "Any f*%$ing time Tito!"  Uh, didn't you just get publicly humiliated by a forty six year old?  Go drink some Ensure back at the convalescent home, and then take $44.95 out of the loser's purse and mail me a check.  But as lame as that fight was, it was nothing compared to the Rolles Gracie fight.


Gracie v Beltran

I've seen a lot of terrible fights, and I've seen a lot of poor performances in the UFC and Pride, but I have never seen a fighter as poorly trained as Rolles Gracie.  All the pre-fight hype about carrying on the Gracie legacy is laughable.  He punched like a girl (literally, his punches looked like a right handed thrower, trying to toss a baseball with their left hand), he left his hands down, he was slow in every way possible, then he let Beltran punch him in the face for awhile, fumbled at a few slow takedowns, and then gassed out 91 seconds into round 2 and just laid face down on the ground.  Thankfully, he was punched into submission by Beltran "the mexi-cutioner," who wasn't exactly an Olympic athlete either.  Who is Beltran?......exactly.  If I was Rolles, I would have explained at the post fight interview that my poor performance was due to an AIDS flare-up. Supposedly, Rolles is a second degree black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, but I'd be willing to wager that my grandmother could kick his ass.  Rolles, you are Gracie, you're not suppose to be such an embarrassment.  You are definitely not awesome.

Which leads me to reveal the new winning strategy for MMA: get freaky strong on steroids, learn to punch like a man, make sure you can wrestle, and don't forget to get freaky strong on steroids.  Ladies and Gentleman, the future of MMA:

Mariusz Pudzianowski, 

5 time world's strongest man

MMA Record 1-0, 

He submitted his first opponent...by punching him repeatedly in the face

Awesome

Anatoly Pisarenko...Savagely Awesome

Anatoly Pisarenko is stronger than all your friends...combined. He had an Olympic Weightlifting total of over 1,000 lbs. He lifted for the Soviet Union and his coaches fed him more steroids than a race horse. His record snatch was 206 kg, (453 lbs.) which is more than you can squat. His clean and jerk? 265 kg (583 lbs.) That's more than you can deadlift. Deal with it.

The PB Millionaire...Super Creep...Not Awesome

There are a lot of creepy old men that live in Pacific Beach, but none are as overwhelmingly creepy as the PB Millionaire. If you've never heard of him, or have never had the displeasure of meeting him in person, then check out his website. Seriously, go check it out, let it sink in, go to the photo gallery, go to the video gallery, then go take a shower and try to do something awesome to restore balance to the universe. (Oh, and before you go to the website, turn your speakers to max)

"Premium" Rental Car...Not Awesome

I was recently subjected to Enterprise Rental Car's version of a "premium" rental car. I give you...the Kia Amanti. 11.5 mpg, slower than a horse drawn cart, front wheel drive and body roll reminiscent of a windy day of sailing. To my great pleasure I was able to navigate the car in heavy rainfall, which led me to develop a driving style that can only be described as controlled hydroplaning.

The Apex of Awesome

If you perform the following exercises often, with staggeringly heavy weight, you may run the risk of turning into a man. Bonus points for any lift completed in a speedo or singlet.

1. Clean & Jerk




2. Snatch




3. Front Squat




4. Back Squat




5. Deadlift



Disclaimer: I am awesome, you may not be. So, consult a doctor (your gynecologist) and a physical trainer, before performing any of these lifts.

Front Wheel Drive...Not awesome

If you own a "sports car" and it has front wheel drive, then you don't own a "sports car" and your car is not awesome.